


Hope

by Donya



Series: King of sorrow [3]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Denial, FrostIron - Freeform, M/M, Post Mpreg, Postpartum Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-12
Updated: 2014-08-16
Packaged: 2018-02-12 22:18:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,777
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2126604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Donya/pseuds/Donya
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony and Loki's baby is a blue-skinned, red-eyed little Jotun. It's too much for Loki to bear.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

The last few months had been nothing but a blur. Loki could not tell what exactly changed and when. All of a sudden, Tony started to spend more time in the penthouse. Much more than in his workshop or outside. Actually, it seemed that he abandoned his suits, he must have taken a break from being the Iron Man. That was puzzling, he loved being a hero, a knight in shiny armour. Loki didn't know what to think about that.

He hardly ever saw Tony within those past weeks. Maybe Tony was working on something, in that room at the end of the hall. He would sneak out of their bedroom at night and go there, only to come back hours later for a quick nap. They rarely had an occasion to talk and it usually ended badly. Loki was confused, unsure who was avoiding whom.

The only comfort was food. Vaguely aware that he used to avoid delightfully salty fast food and various alcoholic drinks, Loki tried to make up for the lost time. He helped himself to Tony's whisky and no one barked at him angrily. Out of curiosity, Loki _accidentally_ dropped the bottle and even that did not alarm Tony. He just stopped caring about Loki at all.

Loki had another reason to drink- Thor would visit him more and more often. He patiently lectured Loki, explained why sometimes troubles appear to be overwhelming and that there is nothing wrong in being different. Loki rolled his eyes, asking the gods why he was so severely punished. No one annoyed him as much as Thor.

Banner would assure Loki that he did nothing wrong. Loki laughed at him, insulted by such an insinuation. Of course he did something wrong, he was the troublemaker, wasn't he? Rogers encouraged him to join Tony in the secret room. Loki wanted to, yet deep inside he sensed some danger that awaited him there. 

The truth was he had nothing to do. Tony ignored him, Thor refused to take him to Asgard, plus Loki felt like he had been busy with some sort of preparation, for some highly exciting event and now it was over. He gave in, curled up in a ball on the bed and days just passed.

Once he heard nervous whispers coming from the hall, he recognised the voices. Tony, Thor and Banner had a heated discussion about Loki's state. That was so offensive, Loki was not deaf, did they think the walls were soundproof? Finally Tony walked in, although Banner tried to stop him in the last moment.

'Hi, there, Loki,' Tony said soothingly, as if Loki was a scared wild animal. 'Give me your hand, I want to show you something.'

He led Loki to _that_ room, hesitated one more time and pushed the door open. Loki tensed up, he was not supposed to go there, he did not want to but Tony dragged him in. Pink walls, that was odd, why would Tony choose that colour? Stuffed bears on the floor, white curtains, fluffy carpet. A round, wooden crib in the centre of the room, quiet whimpering coming from under a yellow blanket. Something blue was there, Loki recognised the shade and the markings, his own hand looked like that when a Frost Giant grabbed it during the battle in Jotunheim. A monster. Loki was a monster and that strange doll was a cruel mockery, a painful reminder of Loki's true nature.

'Why are you doing this?' Loki yanked his hand back but Tony would not let go of him.

'She does not know her mother,' Tony spat. He did not smell of alcohol and that would be the only explanation of his strange answer. What 'she', what 'mother'?

'Tony, please, stop this,' Loki begged, and turned his head away from the crib, the blue doll had just began to move.

'Just look at her,' Tony urged him, forcing Loki to take one more step towards the tiny Jotun doll. 'She's real, stop pretending it's-'

A loud shriek interrupted him, it sounded like a hungry kitten demanding milk. That distracted Tony enough to loose his grip on Loki's hand. Muttering curses under his breath, Loki broke free and returned to the bedroom.

'Too early,' Thor said when Loki passed him.

'Be more patient,' Banner advised Tony.

Hours later, Tony finally lay next to Loki and wiped tears Loki did not know he shed. They watched each other in the dim light, in silence, confused and worried.

'You need more time?' Tony asked and continued without giving Loki a chance to reply, 'fine, take as much time as you want. But she needs a name and if you- I'll choose something stupid and you'll hate me for that.'

'I don't understand,' Loki admitted, hoping that Tony would stop being so mysterious. Who was that woman he kept talking about, why did he insist on introducing her to Loki?

'Indigo, Skye or Sapphire, you hear me?'

'Well, out of these three, I think the first one is most acceptable,' Loki said cautiously.

Tony sighed in relief and kissed him, then pulled Loki closer to his chest. That was far more pleasant than solitude. Loki nuzzled into Tony's neck, feeling safe and loved. Whatever was separating him from Tony seemed to disappear and Loki prayed it would stay this way.

Right before dawn Tony got up and left without a word.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki struggles to accept Indigo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Does contain feels.

The first repressed memory that Loki managed to retrieve was decorating the nursery. The walls were painted beige but it looked depressing, Tony re-painted them light blue when they heard they expected a boy and changed the colour to amaranth pink after another scan. Loki chose the round crib, it was love at first sight, he immediately imagined a giggling baby trying to find a corner. A pink chiffon dress for a little princess, white tights, violet skirts, ruby-coloured socks, Loki remembered folding them and arranging them in drawers. He knew he was happy at that time, the future seemed bright.

During the last trimester, he was losing his mind every time the child was unmoving. That was his biggest fear- losing the child at the very end of the pregnancy. Once he learnt that the risk of stillbirth increases between the 39th and the 41st week, when the child is fully developed and able to survive outside mother's body, he panicked almost every day. Tony rubbed his swollen feet and promised that nothing bad was going to happen. Loki did not believe him and ate more sweets than ever- to make the little one kick more often. 'Let her sleep,' Tony laughed and forced Loki to share his chocolate, 'there's not much room left there, or maybe she's just lazy.'

Loki wondered if he had that obsession to push away thoughts of having a Jotun child. He should have known that was far more possible than stillbirth. However, he could prevent the latter, so subconsciously he focused on that.

Then there was pain and even more pain, a cheerful 'It's a girl', the first glimpse of a screaming blue thing, then nothing but tears. The disappointment, guilt and helpless anger killed the joy, muted words of consolation. The newborn was so hopelessly, irreparably damaged. From excitement and hopefulness to the darkest misery, the change was too sudden. Loki was not able to face reality, denied his daughter's existence.

Weeks passed before he realised the sounds he had been hearing were not made by a kitten. Why would Tony have a kitten in the first place? Little cries, barely audible coos and loud sobs interrupted his contemplation at the strangest hours. He saw people tenderly tending the blue doll, talking to it softly, kissing its forehead. The clothes the doll was wearing changed quite often, another odd thing. Tony was unreasonably edgy, he would either lose his patience and snap at Loki for no reason or treat him as if he were a breakable little teacup. None of that made any sense.

 

One morning Loki could not find Tony anywhere and in desperation, went into the pink room that frightened him so much. Tony was not there but something caught Loki's eye. A rocking chair by the window, it looked familiar. A faded green blanket, folded and left on a chest of drawers, Loki was almost certain that it once belonged to him. A heart-shaped pillow, wasn't that a gift from Tony? Confused, Loki picked up the blanket and the pillow. Then something clicked, he recognised tiny clothes scattered on the floor, a painting on the wall- didn't he choose it? The crib, a teddy he must have seen already...

Tony stormed into the room, gasping, face red and glistening with sweat, chest heaving rapidly. He looked absolutely terrified and only relaxed a bit when he noticed Loki, who awkwardly cuddled his belongings, yet still could not quite catch a breath and looked like he was about to have a heart attack.

'What-' he choked out, as he leant against the door. 'What are you- doing here?'

That was the question. Loki knew now he used to spend hours in that room, decorated it, pushed the crib from one place to another. He had been expecting a baby, yet there was no sign of a chubby, pink bundle of joy and his stomach was flat.

'Where's my baby?' Loki whispered hesitantly, not sure if he wanted to hear the answer.

Tony's face froze in shock, he stared at Loki without a word. So it was true. The child died, died, their daughter, she was gone and Loki missed that, never had a chance to meet her, see her face.

'Loki,' Tony said slowly, 'you are standing right next to your baby.'

On Loki's left there was the crib, filled with toys. A green frog, a white bunny holding a carrot, a grey hedgehog and in the middle there was a white bib and a pair of violet footed pajamas, half covered with a fluffy orange blanket. No baby.

'I can't see her!'

Tony came up to the crib and gently lifted the blanket, the pajamas and the bib, cradled them all in his arms. Loki only saw that awful Jotun doll that definitely did not deserve even half of the love it received from Tony.

'This is Indigo,' Tony sounded proud and rocked the doll from side to side, occasionally stroking its black hair. 'You named her, remember? Indigo Maria. She loves bubble baths and playing with her feetsies.'

'Feetsies,' Loki echoed absent-mindedly. Indigo's feet looked normal, only because they were covered. She was completely blue and did not changed her appearance when Tony touched her. On top of everything else, she was bigger than a typical newborn. 'How old is she?'

'Almost five months. Look, she's smiling! What are you dreaming about, princess?' Tony cooed and grinned at the Jotun that wasn't smiling at all, she was frowning. 'Do you want to hold her?'

Loki winced at that ridiculous suggestion and instinctively moved back, away from that little monster. He still hoped there was a normal baby somewhere in the room, waiting for him, calling out to his mother. Perhaps between the plushies in the crib. They were sitting on a greyish bedspread that was strangely small for the crib and wrinkled, and had sleeves? Loki grabbed it and realised it was his own t-shirt, the one he wore just the day before.

'Yeah, I've been doing that since, umm, well, I want her to know you,' Tony explained and didn't even pretend he was sorry for stealing Loki's clothes. 'She remembers your smell and she should not feel abandoned, so I trick her into thinking that her mummy is with her all the time. You might as well take off the shirt you're wearing now and replace that one.'

'Have you lost your mind?' Loki screamed, outraged by Tony's demand. 'Do you see what you are doing? Cuddling a monster, calling her paws "feetsies", dressing her in clothes designed for human children! Your idiotic approach won't change the fact that's she's a Frost Giant, for fuck's sake, look at her!'

Tony listened to him without losing his temper, he only pressed his palm to Indigo's ear, shielding her from Loki's rage. Why bother? That creature could not have feelings. It was such an absurd, Tony dutifully taking care of that t h i n g, treating her like a daughter worthy of his love. Sweet violet pajamas could hide some of her horribly unnatural colour but she was still a monster.

'What do you expect me to do?' Tony replied quietly, not wanting to wake the Jotun. 'Ask God to replace her with a pink kid? Put her up for an adoption? Paint her white? She's my child, regardless of her complexion and look on the bright side, without your blue genes, she'd have had my brown eyes and brown hair, which is the most ordinary look. No one else has red eyes, Indigo's special and unique.'

Loki scoffed bitterly, recalling all the taunts he heard in Asgard just because of his pale skin and black hair. Being _special_ is never good, standing out does not make it easier to bond with others. As a child, Loki did not have friends and always felt like an outsider, never good enough, unable to blend in.

'I'm taking _my_ shirt, _my_ blanket and _my_ pillow,' Loki said firmly and left the nursery in a hurry, hating every second he spent in the presence of that wicked child. Indigo! Tony did that on purpose, named her Indigo, he surely considered something even more blunt, like Blue. Loki had no intention of participating in that madness, refused to have any connection with that thing.

 

Now that the fog had lifted and Loki's mind cleared, he understood what had changed. That round, warm-hearted woman, Lynn, he saw so often was one of the nurses that raised him, Frigga sent her from Asgard. Of course, Lynn was the right choice, she was accustomed to blue, frighteningly red-eyed babies. She subtly tried to engage Loki in looking after Indigo and always said kindly, 'Perhaps next time' when Loki declined her offer. Every time Indigo did something naughty, people laughed and claimed she got that from Tony. When Indigo behaved like a good baby, Lynn remarked that baby Loki was exactly the same. Their intention was so obvious, they thought Loki was clueless and naïve. Teaching Indigo to say 'mama' would not make Loki love her.

Although Tony adored his daughter, he did not devote all his time to her. Sensing Loki's jealousy, he took him out on dates and romantic weekends outside the city. Loki knew what was going on, yet did not protest, after all, he got Tony and Indigo was with Lynn, so he won. Obsessed by crazy thoughts of having another child, a normal one, Loki tried to get pregnant again but maybe his body was not ready yet, or the universe had enough of Jotuns.

 

Initially, the therapy was just another way of spending time with Tony and without Indigo. However, Loki soon discovered how good it felt to be honest about his attitude towards the child. The therapist did not frown when he called Indigo a worthless, unlovable, hideous creature. She did not try to convince Loki to give Indigo a chance. Also, she allowed Loki to talk about guilt.

The list of culprits was long. Loki himself, but he was so used to blaming himself for various things, one more did not affect his self-hatred. Tony, his too weak genes and his annoying acceptance of Indigo's nature. Thor, once so eager to kill Jotuns, now competing with Tony for Indigo's attention. Odin, because everything wrong in Loki's life was his fault. Laufey, for giving Loki that awful life. And last but not least, Indigo herself.

After one of the sessions, when Loki finally said it out loud, admitted that he blamed his daughter, he entered the nursery, something he did very rarely. Indigo was lying on her side in the crib, holding a pink teddy bear that was not a plushie but a rattle. She shook the teddy and giggled happily, even when she spotted Loki. Proudly presenting her shiny teeth, she exclaimed, 'Is!' Tony was sure it was short for 'this' but Loki suspected the girl secretly mastered Norwegian and mocked him in a cruel way.

'How could you do this to me?' Loki wanted to yell but his voice shook and eyes filled with tears, especially when Indigo cautiously called him "mama". 'How could you? I have suffered for you for months, couldn't eat what I wanted, my head ached, feet swelled, skin stretched, I wasn't comfortable in any position! I gave up coffee and fast foods not to harm you, counted your kicks, let you decide about everything. Didn't complain when you tried to break my ribs, endured hours of excruciating pain! And this is how you thank me?'

Indigo stared at him, bewildered by that outburst. No one ever treated her like that, she was used to unconditional love and patience, and was convinced that her smile always made things better. So she beamed at Loki and gave him the teddy rattle, to cheer him up. Loki took it, only to throw it on the floor.

'You think this will solve the problem? Your stupid toy? You will never be accepted, liked, you don't belong anywhere! Not in Midgard, not in Asgard, not in Jotunheim. You'll be bullied and forced to hate yourself for being a monster, like I have been! This is not the life I planned for you! I've done everything in my power to give you something I've never had! Happiness, belonging, a loving family. But you just had to ruin everything, destroy your future, now there's nothing I can do to help you! I would love you, gladly feed you every two hours, night after night, cuddle you tenderly, fill your imagination with fairies and other loving creatures, I would be the parent I've never had- if only you were not a Jotun. But you are a Jotun.'

By the end of his rant they both cried, Indigo because she was scared, Loki because he he had no idea why the gods punished him that severely.

 

Against all odds, Indigo was a healthy, joyful baby, fussed only when she was really tired. She learnt to walk only to stubbornly follow Loki, calling him 'mama'. Now that she was more active, Tony made some new rules. It was ok for Loki to ignore Indigo, gently push her away when she was too importunate, take away his stuff from her clammy hands before they'd be chewed or otherwise destroyed. It was forbidden to hurt her.

Indigo was determined to betray Loki's trust in every way possible and became friends with Steve Rogers. He drew princesses for her, she fed him half-eaten grapes and pulled his hair. Loki watched them from afar, envious. That could be him, playing with his daughter. To his annoyance, Steve patiently taught Indigo right from wrong, explained why she couldn't punch others when she was angry. What was the point? Even if she was not evil at that point, she would be in the future. She wasn't a sweet little girl, she was a Jotun. Her pink outfit and a white ribbon in her hair would not fool anyone.

 

Indigo turned one and Loki did not even got to the point of discussing forgiveness or lack thereof with his therapist. They didn't talk about forming a bond with the child or how to vent anger without hurting Indigo because Loki couldn't get over the fact that Tony loved their daughter.

'Everything's so simple for you!' Loki screamed accusingly while Tony nodded like an idiot, he didn't even try to argue. It _was_ so simple for him- Indigo was his child, so he cared for her, made plans for her future, told her goodnight stories and p r e t e n d e d they were a normal, loving family. How dared he? Why didn't he lament like Loki, how could he be so accepting and affectionate, so good for Indigo? Why didn't he kick Loki out yet? Why did he still love him, despite everything Loki had done to Indigo?

 

Loki sat in front of the tv, with a bowl of crisps on his lap. Seconds later, Indigo ran into the room, immediately sensing one of the snacks she was not allowed to have. Loki sighed and hid the crisps behind a cushion.

'Is!' She yelled, perfectly aware of Loki's trick. She was too clever to believe that the crisps disappeared for good.

'I don't know what you mean,' Loki replied coolly.

It was hard to look at her now, she was wearing the pink chiffon dress Loki bought before she was born, it finally fit her. Indigo fell in love with the dress that made her look like a princess and refused to take it off. However, she also adored her Spider Man tights and was an enthusiast of fairies and magic wands, which sadly resulted in her wearing a blue and red tights, the pink dress and holding a glittering magic wand. She was going through three phases simultaneously. Tony thought it was endearing and hilarious. Loki wept, seeing his blue child dressed up as a princess she was not.

'Go away, Indigo. Lynn! Tony! Take her!'

Indigo climbed on the sofa and sat next to Loki, oblivious of the pain she caused. How Loki wanted to just reach out and pull her close to him, feel the softness of her skin, enjoy the smell of her hair. But she embodied everything he hated about himself. There was an invisible wall between them and Indigo was too small to climb over it.

'What do you want?' Loki spat to ward her off, he did not deserve that smile she gave him or- he gasped- her beloved wand that she put on his lap.

'This is not a real magic wand, you know that, right? It's nothing,' he said bitterly.

'Indigo!' Lynn called her from the hall. 'Are you interrupting your mother's rest? Come here right now, young lady, I mean it.'

Indigo fearlessly jumped off the sofa and left, giggling to herself. Loki carefully took the wand and looked at it closely, saw bite marks and traces of butter. He had received many gifts of different value in his life but none could compare to a plastic magic wand from his daughter. Maybe the wall separating them was not that tall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Donya strikes again!


End file.
